Wednesday, 9 July 2014

Easing Back Into This Blog Thingy

It has been a very long time since I've blogged. The last few months have been very sad and very hard.

I basically withdrew from the world because it was simply to painful to bare.

Slowly, but surely, I have found my way back, and while it is not easy to be cheerful and perky, I will try not to be morose and self-pitying.

If you are new to this blog (Welcome!), you ma not know that recently, I suffered the most devastating loss a human being can go through.

My newborn baby daughter, Angelica, the treasure of my life, passed away the day after she was born. An otherwise healthy baby, she developed a rare condition called fetal hydrops. Along with that, I developed polyhydraminos (too much amniotic fluid in the uterus - can cause early labour). This condition went undiagnosed by Croydon University Hospital, my GP and local midwives. It was only when I went into early labour (29 weeks 5 days) that the midwife at St George's hospital took one look at me and told me that I had it.

No one knows why Angelica got sick - all tests done have come back negative.

We waited a long time for her and she was a VERY wanted baby. We miss her desperately - every single day. My heart is, and will remain broken. I have started to heal but the cracks will always be there.

People tell me that no matter what happens, I am a mom, but it isn't the same when you don't have a baby to hold.

I know that my little heaven baby would not want me to be sad forever; she would want me to keep living and find some happiness and peace. So that is what I am striving to do.

In the last couple of weeks I have really tried to get hold of things and find a kind of life routine. Routine has never been my strong suite but it's good for you, apparently, so I'm giving it a go.

I have been doing house work (not religiously enough, but it gets done), gardening and have taken to doing sit-ups daily on an ab-roller thingy I bought ages ago from Lidls (I don't do many but that isn't the point).

I have also started to get back into my skincare routine. It feels really good to do it. I think I've become even more keen on doing it now because it's so relaxing.

I am also about to take a very brave step - I am going to get my hair done tomorrow. If I remember, I will take before and after shots.

I may also pick up some skincare goodies while I'm out.

If my hair turns out really well, I may even do a haul video! Won't that be fun (read terrifying)

Let's not get ahead of ourselves though - we'll see how we go.

That's it for now.

Saturday, 31 May 2014

Slow to Heal

It has been about six weeks since my Baby Bird went to heaven and I miss her every second of every day. Sometime I can go for a few hours being okay, or even a few days. Other times I feel like I am at the bottom of a well and that all of  my joy has been stolen from me.

This past week has been particularly hard, but I am trying to heal. It's slow going, especially since I am not working and so I spend a lot of time alone with Wednesday (who has been amazing through this whole ordeal).

I have been struggling with the idea of coming back to the blog, its direction and, well, my direction in general.

I was torn between starting over or carrying on, but after much thought, I have decided to continue and just see where it goes.

Life is messy and can be painful and unpredictable. So I will keep all the posts and continue. I don't think I need to move old posts or archive them. I may still change my mind, but I doubt it. This is my life. It's not always pretty, it just is.

See you soon.

Wednesday, 23 April 2014

A Moment of Silence

This blog started out as an experiment in beauty for someone who had no history of interest in beauty at all.

So much has happened since I started it, both good and bad, and so the blog changed and evolved.

Last week, the lovely baby that I was holding left us. She fought like a tiger to live but she was too sick and she just couldn't.

My heart is shattered and my well of tears seems infinite. I cannot express in words the agony of losing my Angelica. She was was my precious treasure and the light of my world. She was my little baby bird and I miss her like crazy.

She will always be in our hearts, our little heaven baby. We light candles for her every night.

Mr C is just as devastated as me, but giving me so much love and support. I love him.

We will be burying her tomorrow.

I will be taking a little break from blogging.

I am taking this all a minute at a time.

I love you Angelica. I always will.